Fear did not begin to describe the emotion that I was feeling as mom parked the car outside of the clothing store. I was petrified with terror. I knew deep down in my soul that I would be a boy again…that this wouldn’t be permanent…but I felt like if I submitted and played dress up like moms personal doll, then it would practically be like surrendering what little dignity I had left as a man…considering I had any left. Mom stepped out of the car and I got out with her, but I moved slowly to the store, staying as far behind her as possible. The overcast weather was almost a foreshadow of what was to come. Mom was already at the door before me and she turned to make sure that I was still coming. She gave me a curious look…and then understood the distress in my face.
“Chase…look at me.” I stopped and looked into my mom’s eyes. They looked somewhat sad…as if they were trying to understand what I was feeling and that she felt as much emotional pain from this as I did. “I know this isn’t easy. But try to understand why I’m doing this.”
“I know why you’re doing this!” I snapped. “You wanted a daughter all your life and now that you have one, you’re taking this opportunity to play dress up.” My mom gave me a look that looked so pained that I felt like I had slapped her…and in turned slapped myself. I instantly regretted my words. “….Sorry.” I whispered.
“No, it’s alright…you’re distressed, and I understand.” Mom said, although the tremble in her voice told me that I had struck a nerve with her. “I’m doing this…so I can keep you safe.” I stopped and stared at her for a moment, not sure what to say to that.
“What?” I asked. My mom sighed and gave another sad look.
“Sweetheart, all of this has me very worried…and I don’t want you to be alone while we figure this situation out.” She explained. “That said, we don’t know how long this will last, and I have to go back to work to….so I’m going to take you to school with me. You’re going to be a student teacher sitting in on my classroom. But to do that, you have to look like a student teacher…not a girl in baggy boy’s clothes that don’t fit her body. Do you understand?” My mom and I stood in silence for a while. I had no idea how to respond. All this time I had thought she was doing this just to have fun with me; to treat me like the daughter she never had, but…she was trying to look out for me. I felt extremely guilty for having spoken to her so harshly.
“Mom, you don’t have to go through all that for me.” I protested. “I could just stay home by myself…it wouldn’t be a problem.”
“I told you before,” Mom said stiffly, “you’re not staying home to lounge around by yourself….not when we don’t know what’s wrong with you. How do we know that there isn’t more to this than we thought? I don’t want you to be by yourself in case something else happens.” I nodded and forced a smile.
“Thanks mom…I’m really sorry.” I whispered. Mom smiled at me and pulled the ball cap off of my head.
“Come on…let’s find you some clothes.” I groaned and followed her in. I knew now that my mom was just looking out for me…but that didn’t change the fact that I was nervous as hell….mostly because the first stop was the one that I was dreading the most.
“First, we need to get you some underwear.” Mom said. I felt sweat build up around my collar…and it wasn’t because I was feeling hot.
“Um…mom, I’m not so sure about….” I started to say, but I knew that there was no point. I figured I might as well just get it all out of the way. I followed her to the underwear section of the store and tried my hardest to keep my eyes focused on anything else other than the undergarment in front of me. Mom was sorting through them methodically, looking for different sizes and types. Really I was trying not to blush.
“Alright, try these on.” Mom suddenly shoved a white bra and matching pair of panties into my hands. I blushed as I felt the fabric in my hands but silently nodded my head as I walked to the changing room. “I’ll get to work looking for a few outfits.” I nodded and walked into the back stall. I stared at the undergarments with a mixture of anxiety and disgust.
“Let’s just get this over with.” I growled. I threw off my track jacket and pants and then…my boxers. I tried very hard not to think about that, and I kept my eyes focused on the clothes in my hands rather than my body. I took the panties and slid them up. To my shock, they fit relatively well…if a little tight though around my waist. I then picked up the bra, preparing to place it on when I blushed suddenly. I had no idea how to put this on! It was a foreign article of clothing that I’d never had to deal with before. I studied the straps and began to piece together how it must go on. Hesitantly, I wrapped the straps around my body and attempted to put it on.
It took me over 10 minutes before I finally managed to figure out the damn thing! By the time the thing was secure on my body, I was panting in frustration. I turned around and saw myself in the mirror that was in the stall…and I gasped. For a split second, I believed that a girl was in the stall with me…but then I realized that this girl was wearing the same bra and panties that I had just put on…it was me. I looked nothing like a by anymore. Without the baseball cap on my head or the track jacket and pants…I looked like a girl, nervously standing in her underwear with a cute blush on her face. I felt the urge to tear up, but shook off that feeling. I couldn’t start crying like I’d given up hope. This was all temporary!
“Chase, are you in there?” I heard my mom outside of the stall. I tore my eyes away from my reflection and nodded.
“Yes ma’am…I’m in here.” I answered. Suddenly I saw a pair of black jeans flop over the edge of top of the door.
“Try those on dear…I think they should fit you.” I nodded and took down the jeans, satisfied at least that mom hadn’t decided to grab a dress for me to try on. I slipped the jeans up my legs and suddenly became aware of how tight they were on my legs. They were skinny jeans. I buttoned them around my waist and for a moment thought that they were too tight…until I began to stretch and move around the stall in them. To my shock, they fit alright. They didn’t look that bad either. On any other girl, I would have found it very attractive. “How do they fit?”
“They’re fine, mom.” I heard a sigh of relief.
“Good, then we know your size…alright now try this on.” I saw another article of clothing drop over the door and I caught it quickly. It was a green tank top! I suddenly felt a lot more respect for mom…she wasn’t making me try on anything too overly feminine. I slipped on the top and straightened it out. I felt a little relieved that I didn’t have to keep looking at my underwear. I looked down at myself and couldn’t help but grin a little. While I wasn’t fond of the fact that I had to wear girl clothes, I was a little glad that I actually had something that fit now.
“This fits too.”
“Step out and let me take a look.” I opened the door and saw my mom. I brushed my hair out of my face and stood to face her. My mom beamed at me…but I could see a small glint of depression in her eyes.
“Your father is right…you don’t look like our son anymore.”
“But I am, Mom.” I said reassuringly. “This won’t be forever! I’ll be a boy again soon…and this will all just be a bad memory.” I said this to assure myself just as much as my mom. However it seemed to work. She looked down at me feet and gave a cold look.
“Where did you get those old shoes?” I looked down and realized that I was still wearing the incredibly small shoes form when I was a kid. “You need some new shoes. I’ll be right back. You hang tight for me, okay?”
It took us almost 2 whole hours of sorting through different clothes and outfits. Jean shorts, skinny jeans, sweat pants, sandals, tennis shoes, tank tops, t-shirts, hoodies, and every kind of jacket imaginable were all forced onto my body for me to try on. Mom even talked me into trying on a skirt at one point…which I quickly tossed to the side and refused to purchase. I was exhausted and thoroughly embarrassed by the time we were done. To be fair, my mom was kind enough to never make me try on a dress…because that was where I drew the line. I couldn’t bring myself to ever put on a dress.
“Alright, I think that we’ve finished here. We’ve got plenty of underwear and a few outfits for the time being. When this is all behind us and you’re a boy again, we’ll sell the clothes, or give them to Goodwill perhaps.
“Sounds fine to me, now could we please get out of here?” Mom stopped me pushed me back into the stall.
“I want you to wear one of the outfits home, please. Could you put on the tank top and skinny jeans that I got you?” I gave her a curious look. “Don’t worry, I was purchasing them at the front while you were trying on those sweat pants.”
“That’s not it, mom…” I said, “why do you want me to wear those out?”
“Well, for one thing you’re going to have to get accustomed to them for the time being. Also, we have to make one more stop before we go home, and I don’t want you in your track jersey.” I sigh and nod my head. I turn and walk back into the stall to put on the tank top and skinny jeans. I then slipped on the sandals that mom had picked out for me and stepped out. It felt so humiliating…degrading…but I knew that I’d have to suck it up for the time being. Mom was standing there and she was grinning kindly…warmly. I felt my spirits lift a little.
“Come here, Chase.” Mom said. I walked closer to her…and then she moved! I felt a sudden weight on top of my head as my mom reached up and placed something on top of my thick head of hair. I reached up and felt it and realized that it was a hat….but not my baseball cap. I turned to the mirror and blushed when I saw that it was a fine grey newsboy cap that was poofy along the sides with a small brim. It nestled itself on my head very nicely…and it complemented the outfit I was wearing very nicely. I blushed at my own reflection and looked away. As I did, I felt my mom wrap her arms around me in a hug.
“I’m so sorry, Chase.” She whispered. “I wish that I could take this all back…that none of this had ever happened.”
“Mom…it’s not your fault.” I said kindly, trying to calm her down.
“It might as well be,” Mom hissed, “I’m supposed to take care of you…I’m your mother…but…” I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her back, understanding her pain…and her anguish. I felt tears build up in my eyes as we held each other.
“Mom…it’s gonna be okay.” I said warmly. “We’ll get through this, and when I’m a boy again, we can have a huge laugh about all this later.” Mom giggled and stepped back, keeping her hands on my shoulders.
“Thank you, dear.” Mom said. “You may look like my daughter…but I can tell that you’re still my baby boy underneath.” I blushed and looked away.
“Mom, not here, please?” I groaned. Mom laughed and pinched my cheek…like she always did when she was teasing me, making me blush even more.
“Alright, now let’s head out. We have one more stop to go to before we go home.” She said. I looked at her and cocked my head to the side.
“Another stop? Where are we going?” I asked. My mom reached over and touched my hair, pulling on some of the strands.
“The hair salon, dear…your hair is a mess. No young woman would be caught dead with hair like this.” I turned and glared at her.
“Mom, that’s not funny.” I said.
“I wasn’t joking.” She said with an innocent grin. I groaned in exasperation and followed her to the car, just praying for this day to end.